Paying for Others

I was thinking how at times we find ourselves in a position where we are paying a bill that is not ours. Although it may be normal it certainly is not fair. Let me explain.

Here you are in a relationship. The problem is that in the past your better half got screwed royally in their last relationship. They were hurt and deceived. Now, you are not the one who did this dirty deed. You were not any where around. And from the time you did come into the picture you have done nothing but been trustworthy and honest. The problem is that because of the past you now find yourself facing a wall of protection. Your partner, while believing that you are honest in your feelings, still cannot get over the fact that they too trusted their last relationship. And if they were wrong then, then they could be wrong now. And so, a wall surrounds the person. Sometimes the wall is opaque and clearly seen. Other times it is clear like glass but still impassable. For no matter what you do, or what you say, there will always be the possibility that this relationship won't work. That your partner will again be hurt or worse deceived again. Nothing can stop that nagging doubt.

Can any relationship thrive while paying the bills of others. I don't think so. I think that everyone suffers hurt and deceit in their lifetimes. And while we can all learn and should learn from our experiences, we have to be careful  not to let it to change us. We cannot just build a wall and live behind it. Each person peeking out but never truly allowing themselves to be free.

I think that is what makes love and trust the hardest thing. We have to take everything we know about pain and hurt and somehow lock it away. We can't let it dance around us  with wagging fingers. We have to take the chance that although we may be hurt again,  we will NEVER truly feel  love making others pay bills that aren't theirs.

Without opening ourselves up to potential hurt and betrayal we will never feel loved fully. Instead their will always be doubt. Doubt that we will be hurt again. And therein lies the toughest part about love.

Unless we leave ourselves open to pain and hurt we can never truly feel loved.

Unless we leave ourselves open we will always remain closed.

Work in Progress

I am not one of those knitters who can start a large multiple of projects, leaving some for months waiting to be finished. Instead I am the type that really has to finish projects as quick as possible. It's almost like an obsession. Each project interests me but part way in I start thinking about my next project. Then I get so excited about it that I go nuts trying to finish what is on my needles so I can get to the next thing. Yes, this does allow me to finish many projects but some days it really takes over.


I am currently knitting to larger projects. Each was something that I have wanted try for a while. The first is a Shetland Shall from Sharon Millers book "Heirloom knitting". For a long time I have wanted to try and shetland shawl. And this book had many great charts of phenomal lace. But the one I chose is instead a terribly boring knit. It's just one row of lace and three of garter  over and over. The second problem is that I am knitting it in the round. Because of that I can't really check out my progress. Just sits on my needles like a big blob.

My second project, and yes that is my maximum WIPs, is a sampler blanket from the 4th Treasury of knitting. I am doing it in mosaic garter. I decided to try this to try and use up all my bits and pieces of leftover sock yarn. At the beginning I again was very excited.

This first piece looked great. The problem is that in using up the yarn the colors that I have to continue with really are a jumble. I don't have a picture yet but will post soon.

So now I have these two projects that are both fairly long time wise, and I am bored with both of them. My stubborness however will not let me do anything but keep going. So I just go back and forth between the two.

This inability to put a piece away I think over the long run will drive me crazy. I will be found one day, with bloody fingers, worked to the bone, with yarn covering my body and a just finished piece covering me. Of course you see it would have to be finished.

Well I guess now I am rambling, so it must be time to close. And the longer I sit here and type the less time I have to try and finish.

Someone is out there

It's been awhile since I have last blogged. Sounds like the start of a confessional. Well, rest easy it is not that. Stopped by my local LYS today to pick up a few Harmony Needle kits for some fellow workers when someone out of the blue said to me "I love reading your blog". Wow, I thought, someone actually reads my blog. The smile that came across my face must have been big because it hurt all the way to my ears.

I started writing a blog just to talk about being a male knitter in a female dominated field. But like everyone I guess it's nice to know that some one actually enjoys reading what you write. Each day I would post a blog I would check back to see the comments. And of course each day I was lucky if even one comment appeared. Usually none. I must be pretty boring I would think, after all when I read a blog like the YARN HARLOT, there are hundreds of comments.

Although again I think I like writing this just to get thoughts out, I guess I also like that someone reads it. Well, today my day was made. The funny thing is that even though I rate my readability by my comments, which as I said were pretty paltry, I myself rarely post a comment on the blogs that I read. So I guess it is possible that someone is reading my blog and that they really just don't comment.

I think this has renewed my blog and just want to thank that person, and you know who you are (if you read this) for that lovely comment today. It really was great.

The second thing that happened today really made me laugh. I was talking to someone else in the store about various knitting styles and things and they said to me "could you be any gayer for a straight guy". Now that is funny and just for anyone who might find that offensive, it was actually said with love. Of course I'm sure someone might take offense but really I hope not. My daughter laughs all the time as she sits and knits with me and says that I am the only dad who coaches her football team and teaches her friends to knit. She even told me today that a friend who saw the socks that I made from her thought it was cool that her dad did that.

Well, as you can tell a real good day for me, a male knitter. One hundred percent hooked.