Paying for Others

I was thinking how at times we find ourselves in a position where we are paying a bill that is not ours. Although it may be normal it certainly is not fair. Let me explain.

Here you are in a relationship. The problem is that in the past your better half got screwed royally in their last relationship. They were hurt and deceived. Now, you are not the one who did this dirty deed. You were not any where around. And from the time you did come into the picture you have done nothing but been trustworthy and honest. The problem is that because of the past you now find yourself facing a wall of protection. Your partner, while believing that you are honest in your feelings, still cannot get over the fact that they too trusted their last relationship. And if they were wrong then, then they could be wrong now. And so, a wall surrounds the person. Sometimes the wall is opaque and clearly seen. Other times it is clear like glass but still impassable. For no matter what you do, or what you say, there will always be the possibility that this relationship won't work. That your partner will again be hurt or worse deceived again. Nothing can stop that nagging doubt.

Can any relationship thrive while paying the bills of others. I don't think so. I think that everyone suffers hurt and deceit in their lifetimes. And while we can all learn and should learn from our experiences, we have to be careful  not to let it to change us. We cannot just build a wall and live behind it. Each person peeking out but never truly allowing themselves to be free.

I think that is what makes love and trust the hardest thing. We have to take everything we know about pain and hurt and somehow lock it away. We can't let it dance around us  with wagging fingers. We have to take the chance that although we may be hurt again,  we will NEVER truly feel  love making others pay bills that aren't theirs.

Without opening ourselves up to potential hurt and betrayal we will never feel loved fully. Instead their will always be doubt. Doubt that we will be hurt again. And therein lies the toughest part about love.

Unless we leave ourselves open to pain and hurt we can never truly feel loved.

Unless we leave ourselves open we will always remain closed.

Work in Progress

I am not one of those knitters who can start a large multiple of projects, leaving some for months waiting to be finished. Instead I am the type that really has to finish projects as quick as possible. It's almost like an obsession. Each project interests me but part way in I start thinking about my next project. Then I get so excited about it that I go nuts trying to finish what is on my needles so I can get to the next thing. Yes, this does allow me to finish many projects but some days it really takes over.


I am currently knitting to larger projects. Each was something that I have wanted try for a while. The first is a Shetland Shall from Sharon Millers book "Heirloom knitting". For a long time I have wanted to try and shetland shawl. And this book had many great charts of phenomal lace. But the one I chose is instead a terribly boring knit. It's just one row of lace and three of garter  over and over. The second problem is that I am knitting it in the round. Because of that I can't really check out my progress. Just sits on my needles like a big blob.

My second project, and yes that is my maximum WIPs, is a sampler blanket from the 4th Treasury of knitting. I am doing it in mosaic garter. I decided to try this to try and use up all my bits and pieces of leftover sock yarn. At the beginning I again was very excited.

This first piece looked great. The problem is that in using up the yarn the colors that I have to continue with really are a jumble. I don't have a picture yet but will post soon.

So now I have these two projects that are both fairly long time wise, and I am bored with both of them. My stubborness however will not let me do anything but keep going. So I just go back and forth between the two.

This inability to put a piece away I think over the long run will drive me crazy. I will be found one day, with bloody fingers, worked to the bone, with yarn covering my body and a just finished piece covering me. Of course you see it would have to be finished.

Well I guess now I am rambling, so it must be time to close. And the longer I sit here and type the less time I have to try and finish.

Someone is out there

It's been awhile since I have last blogged. Sounds like the start of a confessional. Well, rest easy it is not that. Stopped by my local LYS today to pick up a few Harmony Needle kits for some fellow workers when someone out of the blue said to me "I love reading your blog". Wow, I thought, someone actually reads my blog. The smile that came across my face must have been big because it hurt all the way to my ears.

I started writing a blog just to talk about being a male knitter in a female dominated field. But like everyone I guess it's nice to know that some one actually enjoys reading what you write. Each day I would post a blog I would check back to see the comments. And of course each day I was lucky if even one comment appeared. Usually none. I must be pretty boring I would think, after all when I read a blog like the YARN HARLOT, there are hundreds of comments.

Although again I think I like writing this just to get thoughts out, I guess I also like that someone reads it. Well, today my day was made. The funny thing is that even though I rate my readability by my comments, which as I said were pretty paltry, I myself rarely post a comment on the blogs that I read. So I guess it is possible that someone is reading my blog and that they really just don't comment.

I think this has renewed my blog and just want to thank that person, and you know who you are (if you read this) for that lovely comment today. It really was great.

The second thing that happened today really made me laugh. I was talking to someone else in the store about various knitting styles and things and they said to me "could you be any gayer for a straight guy". Now that is funny and just for anyone who might find that offensive, it was actually said with love. Of course I'm sure someone might take offense but really I hope not. My daughter laughs all the time as she sits and knits with me and says that I am the only dad who coaches her football team and teaches her friends to knit. She even told me today that a friend who saw the socks that I made from her thought it was cool that her dad did that.

Well, as you can tell a real good day for me, a male knitter. One hundred percent hooked.

Settling In

Last month I moved my folks into an independent Retirement home. The place is fantastic and it really is a better place for them to be. My mom, is just delighted with the place, but my dad is still getting used to it. They each have there own set of problems, and for me at least I know that they are in a much safer place.

It's funny how life cycles in such a circle, and the older you get the closer you move back to the start. This month I myself am turning 50 and that means I have reached well past the half of my circle.


It's funny to hear my dad tell me that the new place is filled with such old people, when in fact they are pretty much the same age. I guess if you are 78 then 85 is old. Remember when we were young and a few years was huge. As a 10 year old  those 12 year olds seemed really big. As we aged though the differences were not as acute. But I guess as we get much older, they seem so great again.

I am happy that my folks are now in a place where they can receive proper meals, physio, and other people to talk to. I know my dad will adjust over time. I hope that they can stay they for a while because the next step would probably be a nursing home.

Good luck mom and dad and I hope this new move provides you with a better quality of life.

Ch..Ch..Ch..Ch... Changes

Smokey Checkerboard Mittens

Kind of like the Bowie song , things are changing. Yes, I know that they are always changing but some times you hit milestones in your life.

I feel like this is one of those times. Tomorrow I am moving my parents into an independent retirement home. They are 78 and it is time. They both face different sort of challenges but it became obvious that they were starting to struggle living on their own. For the past 3-4 months I have taken them around to different places, talked with administration, and to many relatives. We finally have reached the day now where it is time to move.

Mom is ready for this but Dad unfortunately is not. Myself I know that this is what is needed for them to be safe and to have help in their daily lives beyond what we can provide on a makeshift basis. I worry that the change might be too much for my dad and make things worse, but hope that instead it will make things better. Only time will really tell.

It's funny how life goes from your parents looking after you to you looking after your parents. Life is really the cycle they say it is.

For me, I am turning 50 in a few weeks and I guess they say that is a big milestone. Myself I am just happy to make it. I am not sure how I feel about turning that age. Actually I don't think I really feel anything. We'll see.

I am in between any big knitting projects lately. I finished my Lehe Shawl and have a few other shawls in mind. Although I am not sure how much people can use them I really love the beauty of them so I am in a bit of a shawl rut. Above are my Smokey Checkerboard mittens. I love this pattern which I got from Robin Hansons book "Favorite Mittens". I adapted the size but really just love this simple design and the warmth that comes from them slightly ribbing together.

I am working on a quick pair of socks while I figure out what comes next. I really want to do a sampler Blanket from Treasury of Knitting 4 but still have not bought the wool. I am also teaching a few classes this month. I enjoy that.

Well, just figured it was time to blog again.

The day that didn't work

Ever notice that some days are better then others? . I have been re-doing my main floor washroom this past week. I changed to a low flush toilet to save water. I also bought a vanity and faucet set. Well someone came by and hooked up the vanity. The next morning there was water on the bottom shelf of the wood vanity. Worse, the wood had swelled and cracked. Great, not even a day with something new and it looked terrible. So, I called my friend to come back and look at the leak. As he did we saw that the faucet was leaking. It seems that just a small little plastic piece had broken and now the vanity was ruined. The faucet upon closer inspection also had quite a few cheap plastic parts and it too would have to be replaced.


Later on I went to look at a camera I had received as a bonus for buying a printer. I put the batteries in and pressed the "On" button. Nothing happened. I took out the batteries and put them back in, given that I had obviously done it wrong the first time, and again nothing. I figured that perhaps the batteries were old so I replaced them with new ones. Nope still nothing. So, I went back to the first set of batteries, of course thinking that the prior two times were just my mistake. Nothing. Finally it sunk in that the brand new camera did not work.

Then I went to change a dimmer switch that turned on the kitchen lights. A few days ago it stopped working. Then a day ago it started again. Today it didn't work so I bought a new one and put it in. I checked all the wires in the box and it looked great. I then turned on the light. Nothing. I turned off the light and tried again. Nothing. Okay so maybe it was not the dimmer switch that was the problem. My thoughts turned to the light fixture so I set out to take it down. Just as I started I noticed that the dimmer was glowing. So I walked over and turned it on and this time the lights came on. That's great, but now I figure that there is a short problem in the fixture. When I went to take it down I must have moved something and the light connected again. This was good in that I now had a light again. It was bad because I now had to take down the fixture.

So now I have to take back the new faulty vanity and faucet. Then take back the camera and try and get a new one. And then take back the dimmer because the old one wasn't broken. .

I think I should just go to sleep now and wake up tomorrow. Perhaps things will be working again then.

Almost Finished

Just  400 stitches left to cast off and I will have finished my Lehe Shawl. Over the last month we have really become good friends. While we were friends it was funny because I couldn't wait till the time when we would part ways. Every day I worked so hard to get to that spot. But now that I am almost at that point in time, the end,  I don't feel happy but instead sad.

Sure, in just a few days I can proudly show off my friend to everyone.  Some will marvel at it, and others will not. From this point forward my friend will belong to the world. But one thing it will never be again is just my friend

Yes as I come to the end I know that the intimacy is about to end. No longer will my friend be there to soothe my aching mind by giving so freely of its stitches. It would no longer calm me with the rhythmical motion of our friendship. No. very soon I will have lost this friend to the world.

My mind races forward to what sorts of new friends I might find. There are many I know of waiting to meet. It's kind of like it own dating service, while that really does sound a bit "sic". And just like that I find myself losing the sadness and instead begin gaining hope. Hope of a new friend and new experience.

Who knew that knitting would prove to be so emotional.